I started blogging a few years back now, I was struggling with my emotions (as always!) over a variety of problems and blogged about a few. One that was really making me struggle was getting over the miscarriage of my first baby at 18.
I never made it to that first scan even though I lost the baby at 13 weeks because it was the Christmas holidays and I was booked in for the new year. I began to miscarry boxing day 2008, was sent home from A&E and told everything was fine only to wake up around 5am the following morning in excruciating pain as I passed my baby. Seeing my loss was extremely hard for me. Having nothing to prove my baby ever even existed and mattered was even harder.
I wrote a post on my previous blog on how a few years on I was still struggling to deal with my miscarriage, the images in my head and the fact I never had a scan picture or anything to confirm my baby ever existed and remember my angel apart from my blood test form and hospital bands from A&E.
I didn’t feel like I was allowed to grieve or remember my baby at all because to most people my baby wasn’t a ‘baby’ just a foetus. I wasn’t with the psycho sperm donor so I was expected to be ‘happy’ and ‘relieved’. Regardless of the circumstances that was MY baby.
I felt flutters, my belly had begun to grow and I had constant sickness throughout the 13 weeks my baby grew inside of me. You can’t tell me it wasn’t real and my baby never existed. I may not know if it was a boy or a girl, I never got to hold my angel in my arms or even got to see them on a scan but my angel existed if only for a short time and my angel deserves to be remembered along with every other angel baby taken from this world far too soon.
It’s hard dealing with the fact you have lost your baby and if it’s your first pregnancy, even though technically you are a mother theres no longer a bump and no baby in your arms to prove you were ever destined to be one.
To anyone that has lost their baby, you are a mother/father. You have every right to grieve and talk about the loss of your baby just as anyone else who has ever lost a loved one.
When I wrote the post on my previous blog I had already had my daughter Eva and everyone kept telling me I should be grateful I went on to give birth to a beautiful healthy baby and had become a mother at last.
Of course I was and always will be grateful for having been blessed with being able to give birth Eva (2010) & Izzy (2014). Both my pregnancies were rough, Eva was premature delivered via c-section 4 weeks & 1 day early, Izzy was naturally born but came out back to back on my due date. I had severe ‘morning sickness’ throughout both pregnancies and I was on agony with my back. I wouldnt change it for the world! I am more than aware they are miracle’s and I am honoured to see them grow (even if they drive me crazy at times!) but that doesnt stop the pain or the what ifs.
An extremely lovely blogger got in touch with me after having read my post and asked if I would allow her to order me a gift, something special I can look at and hold when I want to as I don’t have a scan photo. Every time I look at my keepsakes I remember her kindness. She didn’t know me at all but she went out of her way to help me cope better with my loss.
I have a beautiful engraved heart and a plaque to think about my angel for a moment or so when I feel the need and every single time I am overwhelmed by the kindness Kate from Katetakes5 . I disappeared from the blogging world for a while but still remember what she did for me and I appreciate it greatly as the last few anniversaries of my angels passing have become easier for me to deal with & even talk about. Every year when we put up our christmas tree I hang the bag these keepsakes are in on our tree along with the girls special decorations and if I am asked I now show them and talk to them about my loss instead of keeping it to myself. Several people have confessed they have lost a baby too and shared their story and I believe everyone should.
When I saw the #misCOURAGE campaign run by Tommy’s I had to join in and help break the silence about miscarriage, raise awareness and share my story. At the same time I felt it only appropriate to mention Kate since she helped me break my silence & gave me such a thoughtful, special gift that allowed me to grieve and remember my Angel baby. I will cherish my keepsakes forever.
Kate if you read this..Thank you so much for being such an amazing and beautiful person and helping me in such a thoughtful way xx