RUN!

Yesterday was Eva’s first day back at school and of course before we even got to the morning there was a problem. A rather bloody problem!

Eva managed to slide down her plastic steps scraping her foot leaving a long flap of skin hanging off which we had to cut off Sunday night.

We told teachers about her foot the following morning as she wanted to go in, she soldiered on through the day but by the time she got home it obviously needed airing so we will see how she goes over night, she may have to stay home tomorrow to keep it aired.

Apart from Eva’s foot the day started off great! The Mr & I woke well before the alarm and managed a cup of tea before waking the girls. Eva’s written morning routine helped keep her on track and she was actually ready well before she needed to be. Eva struggles to stay focused when getting ready and normally needs constant reminding, this morning I was really impressed with how quickly she got ready, maybe it was the excitement of her first day back at school but hopefully she keeps it up.

The Mr took Eva off to school & Izzy stayed with me as it was raining but as I let her have the TV on she was ecstatic and let me get the kitchen cleaned in peace. By 9.10am my kitchen was done & although my hip was aching I felt like I could do a bit more so started on the girls room. 

Just waiting to borrow a friends hoover

I managed to get it looking tidy after 7 whole weeks! I felt like crying by the end of it but the Mr took Izzy shopping, so I put away the washing and curled up in bed for half an hour to rest. 

Not long after they returned my brother arrived quite stressed and tired after struggling to sleep for days so we got chatting and cheered each other up a bit. I decided to pick Eva up from school as I felt awful that I missed taking her in the morning & do it so rarely now. 

My brother decided to come with me when I mentioned I’d take Izzy. Before we even left he took over Izzy’s trike & wouldn’t let me push it as he knows it really hurts my back & I struggle with the walk. It was lovely to see him thinking about me and enjoying pushing Izzy. They really had a laugh once he got the hand of the handle, weaving along the paths and zooming ahead and we joked with a group of women about Alex needing learner plates as it was his first time.

Run

Once we got to the school I found Eva’s new classroom had been moved again. We had to ask for directions to find her and as soon as she heard my voice and saw my brother she came running out shouting ‘Uncle Alex!’. She was so happy and surprised we were both picking her up.

Unfortunately as I looked up from Eva I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed by the amount of people surrounding us and began to panic. Alex spotted it straight away and asked what I needed so I told him to just get us out of the gates so he charged through the crowd with trike clearing a path for me to follow.

Once we were out of the gates I was fine and felt a bit silly, especially as its normally me calming my brother down, not the other way round.

We got walking and suddenly I looked up and saw Alex running off full speed to the end of the road giggling his head off with Izzy. When we finally caught up with them they were still laughing & my brother said ‘Sorry about that Izzy told me to run, so I did’. I cracked up. My brother is normally VERY careful with the girls and scared he will do something wrong or hurt them so I was really proud he just went for it & trusted himself enough to do so, his confidence with the girls really is coming on leaps & bounds!

On the way home I began to struggle with the walk and asked them to walk on as I find it awkward slowing everyone down. By the time we got home and checked Eva’s foot the skin had gone white where it had been covered and damp all day so we left it uncovered to air out over night to see how she got on, she ended up staying home today as although it is healing and looks better the skins tightening & scabbing making it harder for Eva to walk and very uncomfortable for her, sofa day it is!

Once we had sorted Eva’s foot and the girls had eaten after Alex ruined a microwave pizza and I nearly burnt the chips trying to calm an upset Eva, Alex sat with them playing with Eva’s doh Vinci set which is of course now ALL over my carpet! 😂😂😂

I really do enjoy watching these 3 play together and love that they now see their Uncle weekly and spend time playing & doing things. It’s hard sometimes not having much family around for them so it’s lovely they have at least one blood relative they are really close to & where I struggled across the day it was nice to have some extra help.

I also really appreciate just how much Alex helped me yesterday especially as I really had over done it with cleaning & then went on to do the school run making things worse & the panic attack on top. Oh and yes I HURT today!

It wouldn’t be a Monday morning or the first day back at school without a few hiccups though aye? As I climbed into bed last night I just suddenly hear Izzy shout ‘RUN!’ in my head and picture them speeding ahead and cracked up.I ended up texting my brother before falling asleep to thank him for his help, his Asperger’s can make it so difficult for him to know what to do in most situations and I was so proud and grateful he had managed to do so well and help so much across the day!

If your little ones gone back to school how did the first day go? Do you ever have panic attacks in the school playground? How do you deal with them?

 

Adulting

Sometimes I find adulting really hard, the simplest of things become the biggest of challenges especially if it’s something I’m doing for myself. One of those thing’s is booking appointment’s & where it’s difficult to even get through to my Dr’s Surgery  on the phone it makes the whole thing a lot more stressful but I finally managed to get through today (After 22 attempts!) and was booked in for 4.40pm. Normally after around the 10th attempt I give up but I’m so fed up with struggling I just want to gain control of my life again so I kept going until I finally got through.

Adulting

Of course I didn’t get seen until 5pm whilst sat in a deserted waiting room (!?) but when I did I admitted how much I have been struggling with my anxiety and depression the last few months and had missed my prescriptions. Luckily the Dr was really understanding even though i had never met him before. We decided to up my dose of Duloxetine from 90mg to 120mg in the hope it calms my anxiety a bit more aswell as helping with the pain until my pain clinic appointment next month.

After my appointment I realised I had been stressing and panicking for almost 2 months about getting an appointment & losing my prescription and then after a few weeks went by, what the Dr would think of me for A) losing my repeat prescription, B) leaving it so long & C) Struggling so much to do such basic things. I guess it’s silly really as Dr’s aren’t there to judge (although some do and have!). I guess not seeing one Dr regularly makes it difficult too as I never know who I’m going to see!

social-anxiety-disorder-5-728
I found this on google images and it explains how I feel so well!

Hopefully now I have a repeat prescription again things will begin to feel a little easier again and I’m going to try my best not to slip up again!

 

A huge sigh of relief

I can finally breath a huge sigh of relief! The last few weeks have been so damn stressful it’s unreal! I’ve been stressing about my ESA assessment decision almost constantly, we had to make such a tough decision and re home the cat’s knowing whatever the outcome we just can’t afford the extra cost’s any more, we’ve had several problems with the refit the council are doing and 2 kids at home with it all going on this half term (which of course has been miserable!) has just been utter chaos!

Getting a call yesterday morning from a number I didn’t know freaked me out and I almost rejected but I am so glad I didn’t!

It turned out to be the person finalising my ESA decision which initially made me panic even more as I was convinced I would be refused but I spoke to such a lovely lady and after a chat and adding on a little more information about the side affects I’m having from my medication she made the decision to award me ESA for the next year!

Honestly I was gob smacked I’ve heard so many depressing stories and anything that involves the job centre has always gone badly for us so to finally be taken seriously and have all that stress lifted had me almost in tears with relief as I thanked the lady on the phone.

When she explained I had originally only been given 6 points based on my anxiety and I would have been refused as I needed 15 to pass I nearly passed out but after explaining the nasty side affects of my medication to her and how things have worsened in general she had decided to award me full points!

My assessment was based on my chronic pain which without the medication side affects they see me as fit for work. My depression was basically ignored because I told them that although I have attempted suicide a few times in the past, knowing I have a family now I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to attempt it again knowing the emotional and financial impact it would have on them. My anxiety was at least considered severe enough to be awarded some points but looking at the overall picture it’s horrible to think how many people in a similar or even a worse situation would be refused and deemed fit for work!

I know I am extremely lucky to be given this break and I appreciate it so much being able to just focus on my health and my family for the next year and I’m hoping in this year I learn to manage everything better so one of us can go back to work and we can start saving and getting somewhere at last!

An Exhausting Week

It’s really been an exhausting week as I was due my ESA assessment on Tuesday afternoon and had spent the past week or so beforehand feeling gutted that I was going to miss out on the little time we had to spend with Eva on her birthday around schopl but on Monday I got a call asking me to move my appointment time from 2.45pm to 10am. Part of me was so glad it meant I could surprise Eva and collect her from school, hand out sweets to her classmates & take her to spend her birthday money in town but the change of times also threw me and made me panic so I spent most of Monday night waking and was up by 5.30am panicking and feeling sick & nervous.

On the plus side I had plenty of time to get Eva’s cards, badge & balloon ready before she woke up & was the first one to wish her a happy birthday!

an exhausting week & Eva's birthday

I managed to keep calm until the Mr took Eva to school & then I begun panicking more about the assessment and started feeling really sick.

I hate talking to strangers but the woman that did my assessment wasn’t too hard to talk to at least but every pause made me even more nervous and several times I felt so hot and dizzy I thought I might pass out. I had a friend in with me but I spent most of the time staring out the window.

I dont really remember exactly what was said now as I was mainly trying to focus on breathing and answering each question without stumbling over my words but I remember going through my daily routine which was quite depressing to hear out loud.

We moved on to my depression and anxiety when my previous self harming came up which I stupidly didn’t expect and it threw me especially as I had to explain it fully aswell as my failed overdose at 18. By this point I suddenly realised I was running my thumb nail across my left palm hard enough to leave my hand bright red underneath the desk.

I dont remember much that was said again after that but I remember doing the physical tests before being told to expect to hear something within 2 weeks and leaving. I couldn’t wait to get out and panicked as I felt so hot & sick after doing the physical and was shaking by the time I got out into the fresh air.

I thought I’d feel relieved afterwards but instead I felt even worse. Talking about my past, how much I’m struggling mentally and physically every day, explaining my boring depressive life messed with my head a bit. Its been a few days now & I feel a little better at least but I am still worried about the outcome and what could happen next.

My anxiety in general has been through the roof lately and I’ve been struggling to focus on anything for the past few weeks where we have had so much go on and I just can not shut my head up long enough to do anything so I’m hoping now things are calming down again and we have less appointments to deal with for a few weeks I can get back on track and relax a bit more.

Starting next wednesday we have workers in and out doing our kitchen, toilet & bathroom which is making me panic a bit but I am hoping that as I’m pretty much stuck indoors with little to do whilst they do the work I will have a bit of extra time to focus on the blog & crochet and hopefully stress a little less!

ESA Assessment

On the 22nd I have my ESA assessment and I have to say it’s really making me nervous. It’s so hard trying to explain to people how much I struggle on a daily basis with both my pain and mental health and I’m terrified as if I’m refused I just don’t know how we are going to cope. I tried to write on a ‘support’ group how I am feeling and was surprised to find so many people making horrible comments towards me, I know there are people a lot worse off than myself and I can appreciate it is so much harder for them but to me this is difficult too and I need to ramble about it somewhere safely… I guess this is kinda what the blog is for after all!

I didn’t expect to get as far as actually going through with the assessment, I guess part of me hoped the steroid injections would have helped ease enough pain for me to start getting back on track and start looking for a part time job but after a good week everything has just gone back downhill and I’m back to where I was before the injections so I have no choice but to go through with the assessment and hope for the best but my anxiety is getting the better of me and feels like it’s eating me up.

How do you even begin to explain to a total stranger that although you look fine on the outside apart from walking a little funny that every step requires so much effort that even a 5 minute walk leaves you exhausted physically and mentally at the age of 25?

I know being completely honest is necessary but it’s also scary to think I’m going to have to admit to a stranger that I can’t pick up my baby at just 20 month’s old, if I take her out on my own I have to get the Mr to put her in her stroller as I can’t even do that without causing more pain, I cant even lift her onto a changing table so have to lay her stroller flat if I’m alone! How do you admit that you can’t even manage walking your 5 year old the 10-15 minute walk to school and back every day and have to rely on the Mr to do it otherwise I’m left in so much pain and feel so drained that I’m left completely useless for the rest of the day?

I guess a big part of it is me feeling like I am admitting I am a failure as a mother, I cant lift and rock my baby when she needs it, I cant walk my daughter to and from school and get chatting with the other mums, I cant take the girls to the park regularly, I cant bend down and pick up their toys properly, hell I cant even wash their damn clothes because the bending, lifting, and stretching to hang the clothes sends my back into spasm!

How do you admit all this to a stranger face to face? How do you explain that your basically useless and break down several times a day just trying to do the most basic of things? How do you explain that simple tasks make you feel so queasy because of the pain & a sharp bolt can make you vomit & leave you feeling so shaky and weak without sounding like a drama queen?

I’m also terrified my emotions will get the better of me on the day, I’m an emotional wreck most day’s as it is and if I get too worked up I get queasy and struggle to breath without throwing up! Any time I try to explain to someone what I’m going through it makes me feel like crap reeling off a list of basic tasks I struggle to do, how every time I struggle I become so upset and angry with myself for not being able to do such a ‘simple’ task etc. It all just sounds like I’m over reacting!

I guess I’ve tried to hide the pain and how it leaves me feeling from people for so long that now I need to open up and be honest so I can get the help I need it’s much harder and it feels like I’m about to go to confession to admit all my failures instead of sins.

It’s terrifying to think they could decide to deem me fit to work when I can’t even load the dishwasher daily, climb into the bath, push a hoover around and all the other thing’s most people do without thinking. The worst part is if they do say I am fit to work I have no choice but to try and find a job as there’s no way I could cope trying to keep on top of school runs, looking after Izzy etc so I need the Mr to be at home to carry on doing it all as I can’t.

Then there’s the added fear of how my health will affect a job as just 5 weeks doing 4 hours a day work experience at the job centre was draining and one of the day’s I had to be sent home as I was in so much pain & everything felt too much and I arrived in tears! I tried so hard for the first week or two to hide it but eventually the staff I worked closely with were picking up on it and I was made to go sit at a desk several times. One of those times I was struggling so much I buried my head in my arms on the desk to hide the tears whilst I tried to stretch my back out that one of the managers walked past and thought I was being lazy and told me to sit up which of course led to me feeling even worse and having to excuse myself to go hide in the toilet for 5 minutes to calm down.

I’d love to work, I’d love the chance to socialise with other’s and actually make some friends around here and do something to be proud of and show the girls the importance of working but I know realistically I just wouldn’t cope,I cant even keep on top of the blog on bad days because I just can’t even focus! It’s fairly easy to get this all down in words but how on earth am I meant to explain all this to a complete stranger and have them take me seriously? So many questions and I know on the day I’ll only feel worse and again afterwards waiting on their decision. I guess time will tell but I needed to get it all off my chest instead of letting it carry on eating me up!

Overcoming a bad patch

I’m pretty sure I am not alone in saying January was mostly awful!
I’ve been trying to overcome a bad patch. The cold weather made it miserable and made my whole body hurt so much I had to keep myself fairly dosed up, something I generally avoid doing as much as possible as I really don’t like taking any kind of medication and dealing with the side effects.

As you may have read my LGG4 died leaving me without a phone and almost camera-less.. I say almost because I do in fact own a real camera, I have a Fujifilm finepix S1500 but I misplaced the rechargeable batteries and hunted through the flat huffing and sulking for a good few days until I eventually found them.

Just as I thought I was winning I managed to take a few shots and went to put them on my laptop only I couldn’t find the USB lead! So of course I spent another few days tearing apart the flat like a madwoman.

The Mr  then suggested asking our tech geek if he had a spare. Turns out we went through all this when I got the camera (second hand) and tech geek had given me a memory card reader to use instead.

Of course this was sat in my kitchen junk draw staring at me for the entire week whilst I searched the draw for the batteries (which were actually in there too!?) and the non-existent USB lead.

Normally it wouldn’t bother me so much but I needed the pictures for our Weekend Box review and the Mr found a local photography group a few weeks back and I was hoping to brave it and try going to hopefully learn to take much better photo’s and to give me a break as well as meeting new people in the area.

I also started on the mission of cleaning my brother’s flat leaving me exhausted and well behind on my own housework. Obviously I don’t mind doing it as it really is needed and I am the only person he trusts to go through his stuff and sort it but I am suffering for it.

Both girl’s have been ill on and off throughout January too which obviously makes it even harder to get thing’s done or catch a moment to myself. Add to that the Issue’s we have been having with Eva’s school it has been a hectic, stressful and lonely month!

Overcoming a bad patch

So all in all January was a bit crap to be honest. I know to most people all these little things seem so silly but for me it just felt like one thing after another was going wrong and this caused my depression and anxiety to spiral out of control a little. Luckily February seems to be going fairly well minus a poorly Eva and issue[s with her school.

Reviewing the Weekend box really perked both Eva and myself up and gave us something to do whilst Izzy slept over the weekend.

I eventually managed to upload my pictures and finish the blog post too. I missed another photography group meet though as I have been overly anxious all week but I’m hoping to pluck up the courage to go on Tuesday.

As it turned out the LGG4 was still under warranty and although the collection was delayed by a day the G4 was collected for repair on Wednesday and should hopefully be back working within a week,
I have everything crossed it is fixable as I really do love that phone!

My brothers flat is so much cleaner and a lot more organised and his asthma has started to ease up slightly where there is less dust & mould. He is doing better in himself and on my last visit we went to ads with an unused gift card I found at his and bought him a decent saucepan, strainer and utensils and enough food to keep him going until my next visit.

Although I’ve been in a lot of pain lately we worked out wearing the Mr’s long johns helps with my leg pain where they stay warmer. Also the Mr has been making sure my wheat bags are warmed every night and he has been using a fan heater to warm the bed up each night to help too. Plus knowing I only have another month to wait until my steroid injections I am hopeful the pain may decrease a little!

To top it all the blog seems to be doing fairly ok even though I’ve struggled with posting and networking lately and I have a few more awesome reviews coming up very soon.

Over the coming month I’ll have more time to chat to other bloggers and read more posts too which I love doing! So if we haven’t spoken before please feel free to come say Hi sometime as I love discovering new blogs and having a chat.

Hopefully this coming Tuesday I will manage to make it to the Photography meet up, I just need to try not to think about it too much in the days leading up to it to keep my anxiety down. Easier said than done but I really need to try and do this for myself, give myself a bit of time out doing something I love & hopefully make some friends around here too!

Eva is booked in at the Dr’s Monday and I’m hoping we can get to the bottom of her headaches and a few other thing’s.

February is definitely looking to be a much better month already! How was your January? Do you have high hopes for February?

The death of the LGG4

I’m absolutely gutted over the death of the LGG4, my beloved phone I won!The death of the LGG4

A little while ago I mentioned I had tested the LGG4 for TheInsider’s & was lucky enough to keep the phone which honestly i was delighted with as it was a great phone, amazing camera & so easy to use.

However, on Tuesday morning I got up, used the phone as normal & left it on the side whilst I nipped to the toilet. When I came back the LG loading screen had appeared & I figured it had restarted itself. I took the battery out for a few minutes and popped it in again in the hope it had just got a bit warm or something.

Unfortunately the phone just would not go past the loading screen & just wouldn’t load the android operating system at all. After stressing myself out trying to do soft & hard reset’s and not even being able to get into the bootloader myself, I handed it over to Rich, our go to guy for any tech problem.

After quite a few attempt’s he finally managed to attempt the reset’s but each time the phone would begin restarting again without loading the android system & he believes the system has been corrupted as it kept trying to load & update then restart.

After 3 day’s of trying to even get the phone to load & not being able to retrieve any of my data I finally gave up and admitted defeat. I am gutted though If I am honest as there is no way I can afford to replace it at all it was a £500 phone!!! I was so lucky to win it but I am so damn unlucky to have lost everything that I have lost from it. I gave my old phone to my brother as he had no money & needed a new one badly to stay in contact so unfortunately I had no back up phone.

Luckily Rich had an older phone I can borrow until I can sort out a new phone some how but it mean’s I’m not going to be online as much as web pages take months to load on the phone I have borrowed.

I am gutted as I’m now so behind with blogging & I’ve just spent the last 3 days going out of my mind panicking because I can’t be contacted by anyone or contact anyone else if something goes wrong especially as the Mr managed to lose my bank card & it took us a few day’s to sort paying the internet bill so I couldn’t even talk to anyone online either.

I’m sure anyone with anxiety can understand just how awful I have felt the last few days especially with Eva in school & trying to help my brother a few miles down the road, being out & knowing you can’t be contacted if there’s an emergency with your kids is absolutely terrifying! Then to add to it all when I’m home I feel trapped unable to call out or talk to anyone high up on the 11th floor & not knowing many people around us makes it worse.

I have contacted TheInsiders & LG this morning in the hope something can done but I have very little hope.

I have to say the phone whilst working was an absolutely amazing phone but the fact this has happened with no damage, no dodgy download’s etc I definitely won’t be attempting to get an LGG4 again as I have lost so many photo’s, note’s, documents etc as I hardly thought the phone would die after just 8 months. Considering my last 2 phone’s were a HTC one X and a HTC wildfire which both lasted 2 1/2 year’s before selling on with plenty of life left I think when I can afford it I will be going back to a HTC phone of some sort.

If anyone has any phone recommendations please let me know, I will be attempting to scrape together £100 for a second hand phone in the next few months and want something that I can use for blogging & social media with a decent camera. Feel free to share any product reviews in the comments!

 

Seeing in the New Year

seeing in the new year

Happy new year to all my readers, I hope you all had an amazing night seeing in the new year and I cant wait to have a nose through some posts to see what you all got up to! I did write a Christmas – New Year post thinking I wouldn’t find the time to squeeze in a proper new year post but I’ve had a bit more free time today so decided to share with you all how we saw in the new year.

Originally we were meant to have a few people over for drinks to celebrate the new year but the Mr decided against it. Surprisingly not even an hour after the decision was made to just spend New years indoors together I got a phone call from my brother in a bad mood & skint but desperate to come see us and see new years in with us. I guess it was one of those strange things where plans fail for a reason.

Its been almost 10 years since I’ve seen the new year in with my brother as he was in care most years or hospital and I was either in a refuge or unable to get to him or help him get to me so the idea of spending new years eve with him at last made me ridiculously happy.

My brother explained his situation and between the Mr and I we had a plan & thanks to c2c running late trains especially for the new years eve celebrations it all fell into place nicely.

My brother hates asking for help, I’m very aware that I am one of the few people he dares to ask for help from but still feels awkward doing so, the Mr and I try to remind him every time we see him that he is family regardless & if he needs something he only has to shout.

I was seriously proud he finally plucked up the courage to call me, we instantly transferred some money into his account so he could jump on the train & when he got here he told us what had put him in a bad mood and we all talked it over and by the end he was laughing and smiling like crazy drinking rum with us & eventually after a bit of persuading he let us buy a takeaway for us all.

As midnight got closer we put the BBC countdown on opened our curtains to watch the fireworks out the window. The advantage of living 11 floors up and looking out towards London is that we can see fireworks for miles on a clear night. My brother & I were really impressed that the fireworks display in London we were watching on the TV we could see out from the window here in Thurrock!!

We saw the new year in together again at last & it honestly made my night spending it with the two guys I love the most, my Mr & my brother.

After spending Christmas eve with my brother too I think he has now realised we mean everything we say, he is always welcome here, if he needs anything or wants to see us he only has to say and we will arrange something, we may have missed a lot of years out but he is and always will be my baby brother and no matter what I will always be there for him & I think he is gradually seeing that.

Seeing in the New Year this way has left me feeling very positive for 2016 knowing my brother will come to us when he needs to & he is slowly getting used to being part of a family again. Family life itself is going much better recently too now that I have signed off and not stressing myself out constantly trying to find a job when I’m struggling to walk to my corner shop. Now I have a pain management consultant things are looking up slightly with regards to my health, someone is listening at last and willing to try and help me instead of fobbing me off with tablets that give off awful side effects.

The blog, thanks to all you lovely readers has got off to a much better start than I had expected & I’m really looking forward to putting a lot more time & effort into the blog. With my last blog I tried to stick to only one or two topics which of course made it much harder to come up with content, this time I’m just doing what I want when I want & it seems to be going much better although admittedly I do need to plan and organize my time better to get where I want to be this time next year. I’ve been chatting to a few lovely bloggers over the last month or so too which has been lovely where I struggle to socialize in person & I’m hoping I can get the courage up to say hi to a few more bloggers too.

2015 wasn’t an overly great or an overly awful year for us but I’m hoping 2016 will be much better & hopefully we can even squeeze in a family holiday somewhere as our only family holiday was almost 5 years ago whilst Eva was still small.

I’m hoping to learn more about knitting & crocheting this year too as I find it so Calming and helpful with my Anxiety and Depression.

How did you celebrate the new year? What are your hopes/goals for 2016? Have a similar post you would like to share with me? Drop me a comment or Get in touch!

 

 

Christmas – New Year

I thought a Christmas-New year catch up was needed. Over the last week or so I’ve struggled to stay focused enough to write a full post with all the excitement that’s been going on. At last I have managed to find some time to sit down and write.

Christmas

December is usually an extremely hectic month and I struggle massively with my anxiety and depression but this year has been a lot easier for several reasons.

One being I had my pain management appointment on december 14th and my consultant actually listened and has booked me in for steroid injections, physiotherapy again but much slower and mentioned looking into a spinal cord stimulator.

Relief

It’s honestly a HUGE relief, knowing someone is finally taking me seriously. I may have a chance of getting on top of this pain. Admittedly I am struggling with slowing down more but luckily I’ve had a fairly good few weeks and been able to cope and do a bit more than usual.

Christmas

The Christmas period itself has been so much calmer than normal. It has been lovely, I’ve managed to spend time having fun with the girls a bit more. We even managed to destroy a gingerbread house!

A Party

We also attended a minnie mouse themed birthday party for my friends 1 year old. It was lovely although my social anxiety apparently showed and it was rather loudly pointed out that I was sitting alone being ‘unsociable’. Still I managed to talk more than normal considering I barely knew anyone and it was just myself and the girls!

We totally kept the minnie ears!

Surprise Bedroom Makeover

The Mr & I planned a surprise bedroom make over on christmas eve. The Mr set it all up with the help of a friend whilst I took the girls out for a day of shopping, spending their christmas money & visiting father christmas with my brother.

Spending christmas eve with my brother was a huge highlight for me. Unfortunately we havent spent as many christmas’ with each other as we should have.

Christmas Photo

This photo is one I’ll treasure, our present to my brother was this photo in a christmas tree snow globe. The globe was Eva’s idea as his flat is too small for a christmas tree. His cat would destroy a tree, so she thought it could be his christmas tree which reminds him of all of us and our fun day out.

Christmas Day

Christmas day itself was a nice quiet family day just the 6 of us.. Cat’s included.. Because the girls had new beds the cats needed one too along with some new toys!

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Boxing day we had a flat full of people where a lot of Rum & Jaeger was drunk. I rarely drink so it was quite nice having a chance to let my hair down a bit surrounded by people I’m comfortable with.

Coping Better

Boxing day is usually a day where depression sets in badly. Thankfully with friends around, being kept busy I didn’t have too much time to dwell on the past.

angel.png

I still had the same flashbacks & memories of my miscarriage 7 years ago & going past the hospital in the car made me feel ill.  I held my keepsakes tight and managed to calm myself and go back to enjoying our christmas celebrations. We picked up my brother for an evening of drinking and celebrating how far we have both come.

pirate.png

Rum may have helped a little but I honestly think looking over the last few weeks that having the people around us that we have has helped make things run a bit smoother making christmas much more enjoyable.

Family & Friends

Spending time with everyone, laughing joking having fun has been amazing. The girls were spoilt and had a magical christmas, my ears are still ringing from Eva’s squealing! It’s definately been our best christmas yet and we plan to have a few people over again for new years eve to celebrate too. I’ve had a lot of fun Taking silly selfies with the girls too, you may have seen some on twitter or instagram 🙂

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We are stocked up on crafts & things to do thanks to father christmas! Even when I’m not able to do much, the girls can still come and sit on the sofa with me. We can do something to keep them busy which I’m hoping make’s me feel a bit better about not being able to do more. I miss things like giving them piggy back rides & racing Eva to the top of the spiderman climbing frame and spending hours at the park and struggle because I am in too much pain.

Feeling Positive

Overall things have been good lately and seem to be looking up. The blog has really kicked off quite quickly! I am still over the moon I had my first PR opportunity thanks to BakerDays on the new blog so soon. I’ve already got talking to a few lovely bloggers & look forward to meeting more.

Although I’ve been busy & haven’t blogged much lately I have enjoyed getting back into blogging this year. I’m looking forward to continuing in 2016 and connecting with other bloggers too. Especially as it really cheers me up getting a new comments or like or follow. I dont go out much and I’m stupidly shy for such a crazy person, so it’s nice to socialise a little. F

eel free to pop by and say Hi on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, you can find my handles on this page or feel free to leave a comment here on the blog 🙂 I follow back too 😉

So here’s to the new year, I look forward to sharing it with you all!

Ups And Downs

This past week has been full of ups & downs for me. My pain levels have become unbearable across the week. I’m suffering majorly, in more ways than one because of it.

Ups And Downs

That’s the problem with Chronic pain, it isn’t just the pain the gets to you. Anxiety is a huge problem for me right now, as is depression. I’ve recently discovered the term brain fog. This is what I feel when my pain heightens, I becoming confused, dizzy, anxious, struggling with my short-term memory etc.

When I get like this it’s extremely hard for me to ‘word’ (talk) as I call it. If I am asked something, even if I know what I want to say, it comes out all jumbled up. This leaves both myself and the person im trying to talk to extremely confused. I get frustrated with myself very easily at the moment and have become quite emotional.

Struggling

The hard part for me is being aware of all these symptoms. Knowing it is  my body’s way of saying ‘help, I’m struggling!’ yet not knowing how to change that. I just can’t get my mind and body to cope and ride it out.

After hoovering just a small corner of the girls room, whilst the Mr did all the heavy work, I managed to hurt myself. I did this without realising, I thought I was being careful. I guess a walk into town afterwards tipped me over the edge.

To top it off the following day I managed to trip over our cat, Batgirl and fell into the doorway. I banged my hip on the frame as I fell and landed awkwardly on my right side. I instantly vomited from the pain and ended up passing out. When I woke I was instantly in tears because of the head splitting migraine. I also felt pain all over my body from the fall. 2 & 1/2 day’s later and I am still paying for it, but it is gradually easing again.

Being A Spoonie Mum

I need to learn my limits but I am struggling with this greatly. I’m only 25 & I have 2 daughters that I wish I could get down on the floor with more. Being a bit of a lunatic I hate being unable to do so much. I had a huge meltdown at my Mr this week. I ended up crying that I couldn’t do such a simple task most mothers do weekly. Tidying and sorting through your children’s toys should be something I dread doing! Instead, it’s something I wish I could do more.

I spent a good half an hour telling my Mr all the thing’s I find frustrating. It’s so hard because its stuff I SHOULD be able to do. He sat and listened for a while. Then said this to me, ‘If you saw someone in a wheelchair would you tell them to get up and walk because they should be able to?’. Of course, I said no. He told me that as much as I am finding it hard and frustrating, I need to stop judging myself and beating myself up constantly over what I ‘should’ be able to do. I need to accept that I have limits but there are things I can do and I should be proud of that.

Feeling Better

That calmed me down and got me thinking. Eventually I realised how right he is and decided to sit and finish off Izzy’s blanket since I find it quite a calming hobby. I was in agony but still managed to complete it. Once I had done it I felt so much better, I had achieved something at last! I have made a few mistakes, there are 2 small button holes. They are barely noticeable, so I decided just this once I’d leave it. Afterall, it is my first big project. Luckily the fluffyness hid it well and Izzy had already been demanding I hurry up and hand over her blanket!

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Over the last few weeks, knitting has helped me stay a bit more focused. It has helped me calm down a lot when I am feeling anxious. I concentrate on the next stitch, instead of sitting with a ton of thoughts racing through my head, over-analysing anything and everything possible.

Knitting that blanket has given me such a boost. Seeing Izzy’s face the following morning, watching her carry it all over the place and snuggling with it on her daddy’s lap, made me feel amazing. Such a boost after such an awful few days.

Becoming More Sociable

Some of you may have noticed I have been a little more active on twitter over the last week or so. I’ve had a few chat’s with some lovely blogger’s which has also cheered me up quite a bit. Some of my posts have been shared quite a lot surprisingly. Also, I have recieved several lovely comments which always seem to come through at a low moment and cheers me up.

As much as I have had some majorly down points this week, I have also had several good ones too. I definitely need to focus more on the good than the bad though.

Christmas

On that note, tomorrow we are putting up our christmas tree. I’m getting excited for that, I’m going to cut out a few cardboard shapes, stars, stockings etc for the girls. They can pretty them up with paint and glitter and hang them around the flat.

I have made a small start on christmas presents and we have almost built up enough amazon credit to buy the girls beds. So this week when we get paid, we can buy their smaller presents. We wont struggle as much to make christmas happen, even after out money screwing up several times throughout the year. I’m so grateful for that right now, I know its your presence not presents that children need, but at the same time I’d like to make sure they have a magical christmas. Focusing on tons of food and lots of decorations to brighten the place up and getting the girls into the christmas spirit!

Feeling Grateful

I am grateful for what I am able to do and know I need to give myself a break every now and then. I need to continue to help myself by busying myself with crafts, blogging and doing what I can with the girls. Im aware that anxiety and depression is part of the vicious cycle of chronic pain and thing’s will get worse a lot sooner, if I allow everything to get to me. So I plan to stay as positive as I can, distract myself as much as possible, judge myself less and try to accept my limits more.

Do you suffer chronic pain, anxiety or depression? How do you cope and stay positive? Drop me a comment or head over to my Get in touch page to find other ways of contacting me if you prefer. Thank you for popping by and reading my post x