#misCOURAGE

I started blogging a few years back now, I was struggling with my emotions (as always!) over a variety of problems and blogged about a few. One that was really making me struggle was getting over the miscarriage of my first baby at 18.

I never made it to that first scan even though I lost the baby at 13 weeks because it was the Christmas holidays and I was booked in for the new year. I began to miscarry boxing day 2008, was sent home from A&E and told everything was fine only to wake up around 5am the following morning in excruciating pain as I passed my baby. Seeing my loss was extremely hard for me. Having nothing to prove my baby ever even existed and mattered was even harder.

I wrote a post on my previous blog on how a few years on I was still struggling to deal with my miscarriage, the images in my head and the fact I never had a scan picture or anything to confirm my baby ever existed and remember my angel apart from my blood test form and hospital bands from A&E.

I didn’t feel like I was allowed to grieve or remember my baby at all because to most people my baby wasn’t a ‘baby’ just a foetus. I wasn’t with the psycho sperm donor so I was expected to be ‘happy’ and ‘relieved’. Regardless of the circumstances that was MY baby.

I felt flutters, my belly had begun to grow and I had constant sickness throughout the 13 weeks my baby grew inside of me. You can’t tell me it wasn’t real and my baby never existed. I may not know if it was a boy or a girl, I never got to hold my angel in my arms or even got to see them on a scan but my angel existed if only for a short time and my angel deserves to be remembered along with every other angel baby taken from this world far too soon.

It’s hard dealing with the fact you have lost your baby and if it’s your first pregnancy, even though technically you are a mother theres no longer a bump and no baby in your arms to prove you were ever destined to be one.

To anyone that has lost their baby, you are a mother/father. You have every right to grieve and talk about the loss of your baby just as anyone else who has ever lost a loved one.

When I wrote the post on my previous blog I had already had my daughter Eva and everyone kept telling me I should be grateful I went on to give birth to a beautiful healthy baby and had become a mother at last.

THAT HURT.

Of course I was and always will be grateful for having been blessed with being able to give birth Eva (2010) & Izzy (2014). Both my pregnancies were rough, Eva was premature delivered via c-section 4 weeks & 1 day early, Izzy was naturally born but came out back to back on my due date. I had severe ‘morning sickness’ throughout both pregnancies and I was on agony with my back. I wouldnt change it for the world! I am more than aware they are miracle’s and I am honoured to see them grow (even if they drive me crazy at times!) but that doesnt stop the pain or the what ifs.

An extremely lovely blogger got in touch with me after having read my post and asked if I would allow her to order me a gift, something special I can look at and hold when I want to as I don’t have a scan photo. Every time I look at my keepsakes I remember her kindness. She didn’t know me at all but she went out of her way to help me cope better with my loss.

#misCOURAGE

I have a beautiful engraved heart and a plaque to think about my angel for a moment or so when I feel the need and every single time I am overwhelmed by the kindness Kate from Katetakes5 .  I disappeared from the blogging world for a while but still remember what she did for me and I appreciate it greatly as the last few anniversaries of my angels passing have become easier for me to deal with & even talk about. Every year when we put up our christmas tree I hang the bag these keepsakes are in on our tree along with the girls special decorations and if I am asked I now show them and talk to them about my loss instead of keeping it to myself. Several people have confessed they have lost a baby too and shared their story and I believe everyone should.

When I saw the #misCOURAGE campaign run by Tommy’s I had to join in and help break the silence about miscarriage, raise awareness and share my story. At the same time I felt it only appropriate to mention Kate since she helped me break my silence & gave me such a thoughtful, special gift that allowed me to grieve and remember my Angel baby. I will cherish my keepsakes forever.

Kate if you read this..Thank you so much for being such an amazing and beautiful person and helping me in such a thoughtful way xx

Chronic pain at 25

Part of the reason i decided to begin blogging again is also part of the reason I stopped blogging before. I am a Chronic pain sufferer and have been for over 5 years now. I struggled to get the help I needed when it first begun which caused me to become extremely depressed and anxious.

I shut off from a lot of my friends and closed my blog and deleted all trace of it as I was fed up of ‘moaning’ about the pain constantly. I’ve recently realised that sometimes to cope with chronic pain you need an outlet where you can vent and moan so you can clear your mind and take control again.

As I’ve come to realise this I’ve decided I’m going to document what goes on with my various appointments, to help me keep track, vent & moan on bad days and make others aware of how chronic pain affects lives, and hopefully find other’s who have learnt coping techniques and to hear their story too. If you’ve got this far then here is my story.

Since my pregnancy with my eldest daughter in 2010 I have had excruciating lower back pain. It all began with struggling to climb the stairs in our first flat whilst pregnant, I’d struggle so much I’d be in tears. I thought at the time it was just typical pregnancy pains until it continued about 6months after my eldest was born.

I eventually got to a point where everyone was telling me I had to go to the DR’s and find out what was going on. Eventually I did and an x-ray showed I had scoliosis of the lumbar spine and low disc space in L4-L5. My GP referred me to physiotherapy which wasn’t helping and due to unfortunate circumstances at the time I became unable to afford the fare to get to my physiotherapy sessions and gave up trying to seek help.

After a few years of struggling with the pain and trying to manage it with over the counter medicines I got much worse especially a few months after the birth of my youngest daughter. Over time it got to the point where I could barely pick her up, so I went to my local GP to try and get some help.

Again I was referred to physiotherapy which didn’t go well at all. After the first session I hurt for almost 2 weeks! By the third session I was barely able to walk for the next 3 weeks. I went back to my GP and explained the pain was worse and explained how it travels down my leg and at times I cant walk or move my legs, attempting to lift my youngest up gives me extremely painful spasms, all of it combined is exhausting and depressing and on top of it all on really bad days I’m extremely nauseous too.

I was prescribed Amitriptyline, Duloxetine, Naproxen and Co-dydramol to try and help manage the pain & the depression. I was surprised to find out that some anti-depressants are also used for nerve related pain but after doing a bit of research discovered they are quite regularly prescribed for this reason. Unfortunately the medication does very little but I am at least able to sleep a bit better on the Amitriptyline which is some relief.

I was sent for more x-rays which showed lordosis of the thoracic spine which shows signs of muscle spasms. This indicates its likely to be a nerve problem which it seems my GP must have worked out as she prescribed the amitriptyline from the start. When I attended my last physiotherapy session the physio decided it was best to release me and refer me to pain management as he said it was clear the exercises had aggravated the situation and he didn’t want to hurt me more and he made me a referral marked as ‘urgent’.

I now have to wait until the 14th December for my pain clinic appointment, which after seeing the waiting times at some hospitals I’m quite lucky I got an appointment this year. I’m hopeful I can find ways to manage the pain and remain as active as possible with their help as being stuck indoors most of the time and unable to enjoy simple things without suffering for it has had a major impact on my mental health and my family.

I’m hoping to connect to other Chronic pain sufferers by sharing my story here and keeping track of my progress. If you read all of this post then, Thank you for taking the time to do so and please feel free to contact me in anyway if you want to share your story or just a chat.