Relentlessly Purple

#Miscourage is spreading awareness about miscarriages. I started blogging a few years back. I was struggling with my emotions (as always!) over a variety of problems and blogged about a few. One that was really making me struggle was getting over the miscarriage of my first baby at 18.

#Miscourage – My Story

I never made it to that first scan. Even though I lost the baby at 13 weeks, due to the Christmas holidays, I wasn’t booked in until the new year. I began to miscarry boxing day 2008. After a few tests, I was sent home from A&E and told everything was fine. I woke up around 5am the following morning in excruciating pain as I passed my baby. Seeing my loss was extremely hard for me. Having nothing to prove my baby ever even existed and mattered was even harder.

I wrote a post on my previous blog, on how a few years on, I was still struggling to deal with my miscarriage. The images in my head are hard. The fact I never had a scan to keep or anything to confirm my baby ever existed. There is nothing to remember my angel by, apart from my blood test form and hospital bands from A&E.

Struggling To Grieve

I didn’t feel like I was allowed to grieve or remember my baby at all, to most people my baby wasn’t a ‘baby’ just a foetus. I wasn’t with the psycho sperm donor so I was expected to be ‘happy’ and ‘relieved’. Regardless of the circumstances, that is MY baby.

I felt flutters. My belly had begun to grow and I had constant sickness throughout the 13 weeks my baby grew inside of me. You can’t tell me it wasn’t real and my baby never existed. I may not know if it was a boy or a girl. I never got to hold my angel in my arms or even got to see them on a scan, But my angel existed, if only for a short time and my angel deserves to be remembered. Along with every other angel baby taken from this world far too soon.

It’s hard dealing with the fact you have lost your baby and if it’s your first pregnancy, even though technically you are a mother theres no longer a bump and no baby in your arms to prove you were ever destined to be one.

Your Pain Is Real

To anyone that has lost their baby, you are a mother/father. You have every right to grieve and talk about the loss of your baby just as anyone else who has ever lost a loved one.

When I wrote the post on my previous blog I had already had my daughter Eva and everyone kept telling me I should be grateful I went on to give birth to a beautiful healthy baby and had become a mother at last.

THAT HURT.

Of course, I will always be grateful for being able to give birth Eva (2010) & Izzy (2014). Both my pregnancies were rough though. Eva was prematurely delivered via c-section 4 weeks & 1 day early. Izzy was naturally born but came out back to back on my due date. I’ve had severe ‘morning sickness’ throughout both pregnancies and I was in agony with my back. Through all that, I wouldn’t change it for the world! I’m more than aware they are miracles. I’m honoured to see them grow (even if they drive me crazy at times!) but that doesn’t stop the pain or the what ifs.

Kindness

An extremely lovely blogger got in touch with me after having read my post. Asking if I would allow her to order me a gift, something special I can look at and hold when I want to as I don’t have a scan photo. Every time I look at my keepsakes I remember her kindness. She didn’t know me at all but she went out of her way to help me cope better with my loss.

I have a beautiful engraved heart and a plaque to think about my angel for a moment or so. I do this when I feel the need and every single time I am overwhelmed by the kindness Kate. For a while, I disappeared from the blogging world, struggling with life. However, I always remember what she did for me and I appreciate it greatly. The last few anniversaries of my angels passing became easier for me to deal with & even talk about. Every year, when we put up our Christmas tree and I hang the bag these keepsakes on our tree along with the girl’s special decorations. If I am asked, I now show them and talk to them about my loss instead of keeping it to myself. Several people have confessed they have lost a baby too and shared their story and I believe everyone should.

#Miscourage Campaign

When I saw the #misCOURAGE campaign run by Tommy’s I had to join in. To help break the silence about miscarriage, raise awareness and share my story. At the same time, I felt it only appropriate to mention Kate since she helped me break my silence. She gave me such a thoughtful, special gift that allowed me to grieve and remember yy Angel baby. I will cherish my keepsakes forever.

Kate if you read this, Thank you so much for being such an amazing and beautiful person and helping me in such a thoughtful way xx