Ups & Downs

This past week has been full of ups & downs for me. My pain levels have become unbearable across the week and I’m suffering majorly in more ways than one because of it.

That’s the problem with Chronic pain, it isn’t just the pain the gets to you, Anxiety is a huge problem for me right now as is depression. I’ve recently discovered what I feel when my pain heightens, becoming confused, dizzy, anxious, struggling with my short-term memory etc is called ‘brain fog’.

When I get like this it’s extremely hard for me to ‘word’ as I call it. If I am asked something even if I know what I want to say it comes out all jumbled up and leaves both myself and the person im trying to talk to extremely confused. I get frustrated with myself very easily at the moment and have become quite emotional.

The hard part for me is being aware of all these symptoms, knowing it is  my body’s way of saying ‘help, I’m struggling!’ but not knowing how to change that and get my mind and body to cope and ride it out.

After doing the girl’s bedroom this week, hoovering just a small corner whilst the Mr did all the heavy work I still managed to hurt myself without realising, I thought I was being careful, I guess a walk into town afterwards tipped me over the edge. To top it off the following day I managed to trip over our cat Batgirl and fell into my doorway banging my hip on the frame and landing awkwardly on my right side. I instantly vomited from the pain and ended up passing out. When I woke I was instantly in tears because of the head splitting migraine and the pain all over my body, 2 & 1/2 day’s later and I am still paying for it but it is gradually easing again.

I need to learn my limits but I am struggling with this greatly, I am only 25 & I have 2 daughters that I wish I could get down on the floor with more. Being a bit of a lunatic I hate being unable to do so much. I had a huge meltdown at my Mr this week crying that I couldn’t do such a simple task most mothers do weekly, tidying and sorting through your children’s toys should be something I dread doing, instead it’s something I wish I could do more.

I spent a good half an hour telling my Mr all the thing’s I find frustrating because its stuff I SHOULD be able to do, he sat and listened for a while and then said this to me.. ‘If you saw someone in a wheelchair would you tell them to get up and walk because they should be able to?’ Of course I said no and he said as much as I am finding it hard and frustrating I need to stop judging myself and beating myself up constantly over what I ‘should’ be able to do and accept that I have limits but there are still things I can do and I should be proud of that.

That calmed me down and got me thinking, eventually I realised how right he is and decided to sit and finish off Izzy’s blanket since I find it quite a calming hobby. I was in agony but still managed to complete it. Once I had done it I felt so much better, I had achieved something at last! I have made a few mistakes there are 2 small button holes but they are barely noticeable and I decided just this once I’d leave it as it was since it was my first big project, the fluffyness hid it well and Izzy had already been demanding I hurry up and hand over her blanket!

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Over the last few weeks knitting this has helped me stay a bit more focused, it has helped me calm down a lot when I am feeling anxious as I concentrate on the next stitch instead of sitting with a ton of thoughts racing through my head over anazlysing anything and everything possible. Knitting that blanket has given me such a boost and seeing Izzy’s face the following morning & watching her carry it all over the place and snuggling with it on her daddy’s lap made me feel amazing & gave me such a boost after such an awful few days.

Some of you may have noticed I have been a little more active on twitter over the last week or so and I’ve had a few chat’s with some lovely blogger’s which has also cheered me up quite a bit. Some of my posts have been shared quite a lot and I have recieved several lovely comments which always seem to come through at a low moment and cheers me up.

As much as I have had some majorly down points this week I have also had several good ones too and I need to focus more on the good than the bad.

On that note, Tomorrow we are putting up our christmas tree and I’m getting excited for that, Im going to cut out a few cardboard shapes, stars, stockings etc for the girls to pretty up with paint and glitter and hang them around the flat.

I have made a small start on christmas presents and we have almost built up enough amazon credit to buy the girls beds meaning this week when we get paid we can buy their smaller presents and wont struggle as much to make christmas happen even after out money screwing up several times throughout the year.Im so grateful for that right now, I know its your presence not presents that children need but at the same time I’d like to make sure they have a magical christmas, tons of food and lots of decorations to brighten the place up and get them into the christmas spirit!

I am grateful for what I am able to do and know I need to give myself a break every now and then and continue to help myself by busying myself with crafts, blogging and doing what I can with the girls. Im aware that anxiety and depression is part of the vicious cycle of chronic pain and know thing’s will get worse a lot sooner if I allow everything to get to me so I plan to stay as positive as I can, distract myself as much as possible, judge myself less and try to accept my limits more.

Do you suffer chronic pain, anxiety or depression? How do you cope and stay positive? Drop me a comment or head over to my Get in touch page to find other ways of contacting me if you prefer. Thank you for popping by and reading my post x

 

 

19 comments

    Oh this sounds miserable!! I'm all for celebrating what you can do rather then focusing on what you can't. That blanket is awesome & your daughter will have it forever, (my daughter now has the blanket my mum knitted for 'bump me' over 30 years ago!), that is what she will remember, not the tidiness of the home day to day. Homemade decorations are the best. Cut strips of old magazines out & make paper chains and I just shared these gorgeous paper stars I found over on Twitter if you look at my timeline. 😊 Re anxiety, there are loads of mindfulness apps that you can use to get a handle on it. Sorry you're in so much pain. Huge praise for not taking to your bed when you are obviously in agony.xx

    pinkpearbear | 2 years ago Reply

      I definately need to focus more on the good right now :) Thank you for your lovely comment I hope Izzy does keep hold of her blanket for years to come! Ooh thank you ill go have a peek at the paper stars :D I shall have a look into the apps too, I definitely need to learn to deal with it all. Thank you for your praise 😊 I refuse to lay in bed, when its needed I laze on the sofa at least that way I can watch the girls play, read to them etc I think Id lose my mind laying in bed so I plan to avoid it as much as I can :) xx

      relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

    I dont suffer from chronic pain, but I do have anxiety and depression. I can relate to the word loss thing as I ge that too when I get anxious, the words simply get lost in my head. It can be a vicious circle because my anxiety is often related to my fear of looking silly in social situations. I think your fella is a very wise man. You do need to focus on what you can do and the things your daughters gain by having you as a mum.

    The Anxious Dragon | 2 years ago Reply

      Im very similar with looking silly in social situations, im quite an oddball and as much as I love being crazy Im also very aware others disapprove and being a younger mum of 2 generally I feel like am judged more and look stupid. Thank you for your comment I will definitely be focusing more on what I can do and listening to the Mr more :) x

      relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

        Dont let him know your listening too much, thats not good for their egos ;-)

        The Anxious Dragon | 2 years ago Reply

    Sending you an understanding hug. We have to learn to pace ourselves, sometimes we do too much on our good days and then suffer the consequences. I absolutely love the blanket - such pretty colours :) Well done! I'm hoping to put up the Christmas tree in the next few days, have fun! xx

    Claire'scomfycorner | 2 years ago Reply

      Thank you for your comment and hug :) I am in love with the colours on the blanket even though I hate pink 😂 Have fun putting your tree up too and dont forget to post some pitures :) xx

      relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

    I'm a 27 year old woman from the Netherlands, and since 2012 I've been struggling with lower back pain as well. I was initially told I pulled a muscle, but after struggling with varying degrees of pain for three years, in the summer of 2014 I was hospitalized with a herniated disc after I collapsed in my friend's doorway and couldn't even roll onto my side or back due to the tremendous pain. The doctors refused to operate on me because I'm too young, and the operations in my country are very invasive and carry long-term consequences. There are procedures in Belgium and Germany that are miraculous and non-invasive that my insurance doesn't cover, and because of my debts I cannot change insurance agencies until those are resolved. I was bed-ridden for two weeks in December 2014 after the disc shifted again. It took me 5-10 minutes to prepare, move and recover from doing something as simple as turning onto my other side. I couldn't even sit up for the first week. I felt humiliated because they refused to hospitalize me again and, living alone, my parents had to come see me every day to help me clean up after myself, feed me, and I was forced to improvise regarding both types of nature calls because I couldn't lift my butt to use a bedpan. Around this time last year I was diagnosed with type 1.5 double diabetes. I've also suffered from depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder and adjustment disorder since my teens, and combined with the pain, the inability to do simple tasks and having to rely on others to even feed myself really made me spiral downwards fast. I was sinking deep enough that all my opioids and other medication looked really good in large quantities, but I hung in there for myself and everyone else in my life. That said, there have been days, weeks and even months between these events where I was able to do things almost pain free. I could walk an hour in the forest with my dad and the family dog without much of an issue, I've been swimming with my therapy group for the past couple of weeks, I have a loving long-distance boyfriend who does everything he can to make my life better, and I have a wonderful counselor at my group who supports me with the things I need. I've learned that my disability exists, and even when I get operated on I will live a lifetime with being careful and limiting what I do. I will be a diabetic for life. I will probably be depressed and anxious for life as well. I don't have a wish for children, but if I did I would be facing the reality that both my diabetes and my back issues carry great risks with them regarding pregnancy, not to mention my mental instability posing a risk for myself and any children (post-natal depression risk). It really sounds horrible and disastrous when I put it into words, but what was the most exhausting for me during this time was feeling like something was wrong or inadequate about me. It took some time, but in the end I had to understand that things are the way they are, and feeling bad about them won't change anything. I have such a limited amount of energy it's silly to waste it on feeling intensely about things that can't be changed. It's better to pace myself, do the things I *can* do and allow others to assist me where needed. It means I can get the most out of myself and my life. Asking for help can be really, really hard, especially when you've always been independent and used to taking charge of your own things. But I know I'll just end up in this deep pit of problems and more anxiety if I don't. It took a while for me to get comfortable with it, but I'm able to ask for assistance more easily these days. I still struggle every now and then, but I'm getting better! "I can't vacuum today and I haven't been able to for two weeks. Can you come over and help me out? I'll have the coffee ready!" "I got this letter and I've been too afraid to open it... Can you open it with me?" "I flaked out on my therapist appointment, I've been panicking about it so much. Can you help me email her to explain?" These are all things that help me and in turn help the people around me. It can feel very frustrating for your loved ones to watch you suffer in pain. It helps them to feel useful to you, and you can feel proud of yourself for pacing yourself and having the ability to do more together because you didn't try to face it on your own! You're also never alone in this. It is so easy to feel isolated and alone in your pain, and while I may not experience the same pain you do, I at least understand what it's like to experience a crippling pain constantly and the limitations that come with it. I know what you're going through, but I also know that you can pull through it. :) I'm just a random stranger from across the pond, so my words may not mean much, but I hope you believe me when I say our disabilities don't define who we are as people. They just mean we have to live life a little bit differently. We're still the same awesome people with the same big hearts and the same big ideas. We can still do our crafts, we can still love everyone just as fiercely. So what if we can't do simple chores? At least we can do them together with our loved ones. Quality time! <3

    Sanne | 2 years ago Reply

      Thank you so so much for coming by and sharing this with me. I am so sorry to hear you've had such a tough time and so many things to deal with but I am glad you have found ways to get through it. I never know how to ask for help but your few examples have made me realise there are simple ways of asking for help so I can still get things done when needed. Admittedly this is something my Mr has been repeatedly telling me over the years but asking for help is quite scary but I will definitely try, I guess at least by asking for help Im still doing something and dealing with the task instead of leaving or ignoring it. Your comment has really made me see I can still do much more than I think I can just in different ways. Thank you so much x

      relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

        I hope you'll feel better soon, and that things become easier in the long run. <3 Just remember, small steps lead to big progress. :) And it doesn't all have to be done right now, it's okay to divide tasks into small chunks, one for each day. If you ever need to talk about something or have questions (or need help asking for help) my inbox is always open!

        Sanne | 2 years ago Reply

    I LOVE your blanket! :D And, I wish I could give you a big hug. ((( HUG ))) It's so crap feeling like this, I know, and you're still young and naturally want to look after your family. Your husband sounds like a great guy. I hope you listen to him, he' right. If you don't mind me saying so, try going slower and be kinder to you. I, myself, was floored yesterday, did absolutely nothing. I started on a stew for dinner and didn't make it past adding the split red peas and pearl barley. I cannot take my opiate based meds anymore due to migraine triggers so had just the amitriptylene and the paracetamol. The pain was too intense to use my heated shiatsu cushion on the damaged nerve area. I just lent back in the rocking chair while fiance and Mum finished the dinner. I was 34 when my disability and chronic pain started - and although that may seem far away, it's still young... I found over the years we just have to learn how to adapt. Hard though it is. BTW, you have a beautiful family! :) xx

    Oscar Dandelion | 2 years ago Reply

      Aww thank you soo much! :') I will try going slower and be kinder to myself from now on. The recovery is far too draining each time and I realise now im making it worse for myself at times by trying to push myself too far. Ive taken it easy today and we've all been a lot more relaxed and happy, I've also noticed how it effects my Mr and girls behaviour over the last few days having given myself a rest today. Sorry to hear you had an awful day yesterday too, I hope you've had an easier day today :) Thank you so much 😀 xx

      relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

        Thank you, too :) To tell the truth, I'm almost afraid to do anything physical, other than typing today... Usually I sit at the kitchen counter on the high-stool and together with John (who fetches, carries stuff), make something to eat. That, yesterday, was unusual. Last week I got stuck at the pharmacy as I tried walking (with the stick) the short distance there from the doc. Big mistake! :o I should have taken the mobility scooter... Have a lovely weekend with your gorgeous family, Steff (Stephanie Faith - Faith McCord is writing name) xx

        Oscar Dandelion | 2 years ago Reply

          Aw :( you should listen to your own advice and take it a little easier especially with walks! Hope you have a lovely weekend to, Ember xx

          relentlesslypurple | 2 years ago Reply

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