This past week has been full of ups & downs for me. My pain levels have become unbearable across the week and I’m suffering majorly in more ways than one because of it.
That’s the problem with Chronic pain, it isn’t just the pain the gets to you, Anxiety is a huge problem for me right now as is depression. I’ve recently discovered what I feel when my pain heightens, becoming confused, dizzy, anxious, struggling with my short-term memory etc is called ‘brain fog’.
When I get like this it’s extremely hard for me to ‘word’ as I call it. If I am asked something even if I know what I want to say it comes out all jumbled up and leaves both myself and the person im trying to talk to extremely confused. I get frustrated with myself very easily at the moment and have become quite emotional.
The hard part for me is being aware of all these symptoms, knowing it is my body’s way of saying ‘help, I’m struggling!’ but not knowing how to change that and get my mind and body to cope and ride it out.
After doing the girl’s bedroom this week, hoovering just a small corner whilst the Mr did all the heavy work I still managed to hurt myself without realising, I thought I was being careful, I guess a walk into town afterwards tipped me over the edge. To top it off the following day I managed to trip over our cat Batgirl and fell into my doorway banging my hip on the frame and landing awkwardly on my right side. I instantly vomited from the pain and ended up passing out. When I woke I was instantly in tears because of the head splitting migraine and the pain all over my body, 2 & 1/2 day’s later and I am still paying for it but it is gradually easing again.
I need to learn my limits but I am struggling with this greatly, I am only 25 & I have 2 daughters that I wish I could get down on the floor with more. Being a bit of a lunatic I hate being unable to do so much. I had a huge meltdown at my Mr this week crying that I couldn’t do such a simple task most mothers do weekly, tidying and sorting through your children’s toys should be something I dread doing, instead it’s something I wish I could do more.
I spent a good half an hour telling my Mr all the thing’s I find frustrating because its stuff I SHOULD be able to do, he sat and listened for a while and then said this to me.. ‘If you saw someone in a wheelchair would you tell them to get up and walk because they should be able to?’ Of course I said no and he said as much as I am finding it hard and frustrating I need to stop judging myself and beating myself up constantly over what I ‘should’ be able to do and accept that I have limits but there are still things I can do and I should be proud of that.
That calmed me down and got me thinking, eventually I realised how right he is and decided to sit and finish off Izzy’s blanket since I find it quite a calming hobby. I was in agony but still managed to complete it. Once I had done it I felt so much better, I had achieved something at last! I have made a few mistakes there are 2 small button holes but they are barely noticeable and I decided just this once I’d leave it as it was since it was my first big project, the fluffyness hid it well and Izzy had already been demanding I hurry up and hand over her blanket!
Over the last few weeks knitting this has helped me stay a bit more focused, it has helped me calm down a lot when I am feeling anxious as I concentrate on the next stitch instead of sitting with a ton of thoughts racing through my head over anazlysing anything and everything possible. Knitting that blanket has given me such a boost and seeing Izzy’s face the following morning & watching her carry it all over the place and snuggling with it on her daddy’s lap made me feel amazing & gave me such a boost after such an awful few days.
Some of you may have noticed I have been a little more active on twitter over the last week or so and I’ve had a few chat’s with some lovely blogger’s which has also cheered me up quite a bit. Some of my posts have been shared quite a lot and I have recieved several lovely comments which always seem to come through at a low moment and cheers me up.
As much as I have had some majorly down points this week I have also had several good ones too and I need to focus more on the good than the bad.
On that note, Tomorrow we are putting up our christmas tree and I’m getting excited for that, Im going to cut out a few cardboard shapes, stars, stockings etc for the girls to pretty up with paint and glitter and hang them around the flat.
I have made a small start on christmas presents and we have almost built up enough amazon credit to buy the girls beds meaning this week when we get paid we can buy their smaller presents and wont struggle as much to make christmas happen even after out money screwing up several times throughout the year.Im so grateful for that right now, I know its your presence not presents that children need but at the same time I’d like to make sure they have a magical christmas, tons of food and lots of decorations to brighten the place up and get them into the christmas spirit!
I am grateful for what I am able to do and know I need to give myself a break every now and then and continue to help myself by busying myself with crafts, blogging and doing what I can with the girls. Im aware that anxiety and depression is part of the vicious cycle of chronic pain and know thing’s will get worse a lot sooner if I allow everything to get to me so I plan to stay as positive as I can, distract myself as much as possible, judge myself less and try to accept my limits more.
Do you suffer chronic pain, anxiety or depression? How do you cope and stay positive? Drop me a comment or head over to my Get in touch page to find other ways of contacting me if you prefer. Thank you for popping by and reading my post x